Marvel Interlude: Thor

So despite the fact that the next episode of Doctor who involves Barbara brutally murdering some poor little girl's dog with a flare gun, I'm actually not in the mood for Doctor Who at the moment after fighting with the image links a lot today.  I promise I'll get back on track tomorrow in order to document Barbara's brutality.

Instead, tonight I will be watching Thor, which is sort of like Doctor Who except they replaced the sonic screwdriver with a magic hammer and instead of using a TARDIS the main character just sort of flies around a whole lot.

Obviously, this will contain spoilers (albeit extremely incoherent ones), so if you haven't seen the movie yet, consider yourself warned.

Synopsis:
Um....Thor beats the crap out of some people? I dunno--unlike every episode of Doctor Who, I haven't seen this yet.

Review:

I think the Musings below say it all.

Musings:

• I'm watching a decent quality cam in that nobody's turban is in the way and I haven't yet gotten a "cease and desist" order from Verizon for downloading it.  Nevertheless, it's still a cam.  
• Wait why does a video of Fallout Boy come up over that link?
• Whatever.
• Okay, here we go.  Hoo boy.
• Oh god hold on. I need a drink to fully appreciate this.
• Mmm, also found some food in the fridge that my roommates cooked me.  It's really nice have three big sisters all of the sudden. 
• I call this "Thor's Lightning" (it's a vodka-pineapple).
• Okay, hitting "play"
• New Mexico.  Hookay.
• Some ladies arguing about atmospheric disturbances.
• AND OH SHIT IT'S THE HAMMER OF THOR.
• One of them decides it is a good idea to drive the van towards the massive explosion.
• "I AM NOT DYING FOR SIX COLLEGE CREDITS" shrieks one girl, now dubbed "College Chick".
• Other one will be "Younger Sister"
• Wait how do you get fucking six credits for one class? At Olin we got like four.
• An annoying voiceover about Gods and Frost Giants and Shit.
• I don't like this movie.
• Okay hell.  This is three hours later since the last bullet because one of my sisters was having trouble with her crazy family and now I'm several more drinks in and I don't know where my cat is.  The rest of this movie is going to be pretty fucking interesting. 
• I think Paprika got out on the roof.
• Apparently Odin is a baddass?  I really don't understand this anymore.
• Either these action sequences are really poorly edditted or I am really drunk.  Maybe both.  I don't know what is going on.
• Okay yeah Asgard really does look like Gallifrey.
• Young Thor is a a huge ween.
•  Just gonna be honest here. The actual Hammer of Thor prop looks really dumb. Shouldn't it have like fancy runes or something?  It's super plain.
• Wait did I spell "plane" right?
• Oh my God Thor looks dumb in that cape.
• I don't like this movie.
• Ian and Barbara REALLY need to bone.
• OH SHIT I JUST SAW GIMLI!
• This movie is shit.
• Frost giants attack Asgard.
• Shit hits the fizzle.
• Chris Fitzhugh just messaged me on OKcupid
• OK what is going on now?
• This is actually one of the most incoherent movies I've ever seen.
• Shit I wish I had more cheese.
• Odin tells Thor that he's kind of lame, and Thor flips the SHIT out of a table.
• "Madness? This is SPARTA!"
• Oh shit Paprika is on the roof.
• Um.
• OH GOD THERE'S A LADY IN THIS MOVIE.
• She's like some fierce Asgard warrior.  Xena, maybe?
• I have decided this movie will not be good until Thor hooks up with those college chicks, because so far all this shit in Gallifrey in really dumb.  Maybe the real world will be better.
• I take it back--I really DONT want a God and a mortal to hook up.
• What the FUCK is going on?
• I think I maybe just saw Paprika out the window.  Should I be concerned?
• So actually Loki is waaaaaaay cooler than Thor.  I hope he wins.
• No seriously Loki is super chill and Thor is a huge ween.
• They confront some frost giant king, and Loki gives some good advice which Thor ignores.
• OH MY GOD THOR JUST SMACKED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT GUY WITH HIS HAMMER
• These action sequences are SO poorly eddited I hame NO idea what the fuck is going on
• Xena gets her ass kicked
• GIMILI KICKS SOME ASS
• Loki pulls some cool trickster shit
• But his hand gets frozen or somethign and now he's pissed
• Oh I think Thor just killed some 15 frost giants with one hammer throw
• Thor just made some sort of massive lighting earthquake wave that killed EVERYTHING
• How is this guys supposed to end up on the same team as Captain America, a dude who is just sort of marginally strong and fast?
• Apparently Thor just started some really big war.
• Wow Thor is a huge asshole, and Loki is pretty chill.
• Thor just called Odin "an old man and a fool"
• Dumb bitch.
• Odin just curb-stomped the SHIT out of Thor!
• Now he's like cast down to earth
• Where hopefully he will not make out with some college chicks.
• Are we seriously like a quarter of the way through this movie?  All that has happenned is some poorly edited action sequences.
• I am eating like three pounds of cinnamon toast crunch right now.
• It's is 2:20 AM.
• Ok College Chick and Younger Sister just ran over Thor with a van.
• Whoah SHIT THEY DIG EACH OTHER
• THor is shrieking about hammers, and College Chick think he's drunk
• OH MY GOD YOUNGER SISTER JUST TAZERED THOR@!
• THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!
• OKay Younger Sister is pretty awesome
• THor beats the SHIT out of a bunch of ER doctors
• Someone tranks him
• I hope my cat is all right
• Now they're talking about wormholes
• Wow College Chick runs Thor over AGAIN.
• Some hillbillies try to lift the hammer of Thor and fail.
• Oh Jesus it's agent whatshisname from SHIELD.  Agent Jackass, maybe?
• THOR GETS NAKED
• College Chick thinks he is "pretty cut"
• This will not end well
• OH SHIT WE'RE BACK ON GALLIFREY
• Where is the Doctor?
• Guys let's be honest: David Tennant sucked.
• Wow okay Loki is the best villian in any Marvel movie because he has like complex motivations.  He thinks Thor is an arrogant fool who is unfit to rule, WHICH IT TURNS OUT IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
• Thor smashes a coffee mug, much to the chagrin of a breakfast waitress
• OH SHIT HE KISSES COLLEGE CHICK ON HER HAND!
• Oh shit she's eyeing him like the twilight girl 
• Jesus I hate this movie
• Agent Jackass with SHIELD is kind of a tool
• he steals College Chick's truck.
• Younger Sister is mad that her Ipod was in the truck
• OH SHIT THE WEIRD OLD MAN KNOWS BRUCE BANNER AKA THE HULK
• Back on Gallifery, Gimli is pissed off.
• Thor goes in to a pet shop and demands a horse
• The pet shop owner is not pleased
• OH SHIT THOR IS FLIRTING WITH THIS CHICK
• Man this is kind of like when random women try to get it on with a 900 year-old Time Lord
• OH My god I think Thor is about to kill the fuck out of some SHIELD agents
• Long story short: he does
• This is actually a little tedious.
• NO.
• OH MY GOD NO.
• NO FUCKING WAY
• THERE IS A DUDE WITH A BOW
• A BOW.
• I THINK.
• I THINK IT MIGHT BE HAWKEYE
• OH MY GOD
• OH
• OH MY GOD
• THIS IS A GREATEST MOVIE EVER
• AND I JUST GOT SO MUCH MORE EXCITED FOR THE AVENGERS MOVIE.
• HAWKEYE
• NO FUCKING WAY
• HAWKEYE
• OH MY GOD IT IS HIM!
• Thor mud wrestles with some dude dude
• Oh SHIT Thor can't lift the hammer of Thor :-(
• I may be inebriated.
• HAWKEYE!
• Okay let me back up and explain Hawkeye.
• Basically, he is like the Green Arrow, except PURPLE.
• So basically, he is the greatest thing ever
• Loki wears an argyle sweater in the real world
• It's 3 AM and I really want to go to bed
• Oh wow Thor gets crunk at a bar
• if Hawkeye doesn't come back I will start to hate this movie again.
• OK this is dumb I haven't seen Hawkeye in 15 minutes and I am tired as hell.
• I'm going to bed see you alls in the morning.
• Morning now.  Can't remember what happened in the movie so far.  Oh wait: absolutely nothing.
• Thor still drinking in a bar with the old dude
• Old dude gets wasted way faster owing to the fact that he is not the God of Thunder.
• College Chick is pretty awkward around Thor
• Oh dear now they're romancing around a campfire
• This is awful
• Some tripe about how in Asgard, magic and science are one in the same thing.
• Oh no now College Chick is getting giggly
• Back to Asgard:  Gimli is a fatass.  He seems to be eating and entire wild boar with his hands.
• Thor's friends decide to go find him
• Agent Jackass of SHIELD is on the move
• College Chick and Thor cook breakfast together. This will end in tears
• Loki summons a fucknormous robot.
• Lots of people are staring at Gimli in the real world.
• PS: Thor's other friends appear to be Xena, Jackie Chan, and Robin Hood.
• Loki kills the nice gatekeeper man
• Now it's like Agent Jackass versus a giant fucking Loki robot
• They think maybe it's an iron man robot
• Nope, it's killing them all
• Thor and College Chick evacuate the town while Gimli, Jackie Chan, Xena, and Robin Hood go fight the robot.
• (Thor doesn't have his powers because he fucked up)
• Gimli gets curbstomped
• Xena jumps off a building and stabs the shit out of the robot
• It comes back and basically blows up an entire city
• Thor tries to convince Xena not to get her ass killed.
• Man for a movie about Thor, he is spending and awful lot of time without his powers.
• Thor goes to confront the robot powerless. This seems a onesided match
• REALLY sappy music plays for some reason during this fight scene
• Stuff blows up in slow motion
• Thor appeals to Loki's sense of morals and offers up his life in exchange for the humans
• Robot curbstomps Thor
• College Chick runs in slow motion towards him
• oh no now Thor is dying and College Chick is crying
• If they kiss I will vomit
• Oh fortunately Thor dies first
• except now she's REALLY crying
• I loathe this film. Where did Hawkeye go?
• OH SHIT THE HAMMER TAKES OFF
• ITS FLYING TOWARDS DEAD THOR
• OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
• OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
• okay I think he's the God of Thunder again
•  Um okay this fight scene actually sort of doesn't suck
• Thor makes a giant tornado by swinging his hammer around.
• There's basically some sort of nuclear explosion, but somehow the people survive
• Oh no now College Chick is even MORE attracted to him
• Agent Jackass arrives!!!
• Thor offers an alliance if Agent Jackass returns Younger Sister's iPod
• Agent Jackass is pleased
• Oh shit now College Chick and Thor are leaning in close.......
• Thank God he only kissed her hand
• OH WAIT HELL NO
• Great: let's make out with the immortal and infinitely old God of Thunder. Maybe if we're lucky a 900 year-old Time Lord will show up.
• DAMNIT
• Now Thor and Loki are reunited. It is not a happy reunion. 
• For some reason the Death Star is here.
• It seems to be blowing up Gallifrey
• Where did Hawkeye go?
• Loki flips a shit.  He is not happy that Thor made out with a lady.
• NOW THEY START KILLING EACH OTHER
• Loki casts Mirror Image
• Thor lightnings the shit out of all of them
• Thor sets of some sort of nuclear bomb.
• Loki gets sucked off in to some sort of distant galaxy
• The portal between Gallifrey and IRL is destroyed.  Thor and College Chick are stuck on opposite sides
• Sappy music plays
• College Chick is sad
• So is Thor
• Sappy music
• End credits
• I hate my life
• I wonder if the inevitable after-credit sequence will have HAWKEYE
• More likely it will involve Tony Stark being an alcoholic and Nick Fury being a bamf
• ho-kay here we go
• Old man wandering through a tunnel
• Nick Fury appears
• They converse awkwardly about nothing of consequence
• Oh Loki is sort of here too
• Wait. Where is my cat?