Season 2: a retrospective

Opening:  Or so I wish.


Best episode: Technically speaking, it's probably The Dalek Invasion of Earth, but I definitely had the most FUN watching "The Chase," despite the fact that it's sort of a plotless clusterfuck.

Worst episode:  Ug.

Best companion win: Let's be honest here.  Barbara jacked a fire truck.

Worst companion fail:  Probably Vicki accidentally poisoning the Caesar. 

Best monster: Take your pick.  Incidentally, these are also the WORST monsters.

Best Dalek defeat: Wow.  This is the season the brought us both "smashing a Dalek with a fire truck" and "Frankenstein's Monster lifts a dalek over his head, smashes it to the ground, and then beats on it with his enormous hairy fists."  Impossible to choose one, and probably the best season for Dalek-stomping.  And all this ignores the time a Dalek failed to kill a ween from Alabama.  

Best Doctor Pic: No contest. Additionally, though it's not technically a pic: HELL YES.

Best Quote: "That is the dematerializing control. And that, over yonder, is the horizontal hold. Up there is the scanner, those are the doors, that is a chair with a panda on it. Sheer poetry, dear boy! Now please stop bothering me."


New series bonus round: Probably the Doctor's unholy alliance with a girl who takes her clothes off for money.

Animated gif bonus round: The Meddling Monk, master of deception.

s02 e17: The Time Meddler

In the second season finale, the newly slimmed-down TARDIS crew battle a renegade Time Lord called the Meddling Monk, a sort of proto-Master who differs from the Doctor's more well-known nemesis in that instead of being maniacally evil, he's just sort of a dumbass.

Review:

• Awesome to see another TARDIS and another Time Lord on screen for the first time, but, overall, not enough vikings get whacked with two-by-fours to make this really exciting. 

Important Firsts:

• First appearance of the Meddling Monk
• First Time Lord other than the Doctor and Susan (though the name "Time Lord" is not yet used).
• First recurring individual villain.
• First "pseudo-historical" (an episode which mixes historical and sci-fi elements)

Musings:

• I really will miss Barbara and Ian. For one thing, I rather like large TARDIS crews. For another, Willian Russel and Jacqueline Hill were both good actors, and I rather enjoy their dynamic.  They were the closest thing we had to a couple traveling on the TARDIS until Amy and Rory turned up some 48 years later.  Individually, they were pretty fun also.
• Ian gets replaced by the fairly-similar Steven, and Barbara is totally obsoleted. I guess the producers decided that since her main function was to provide historical commentary and to accidentally end up as a courtesan in various alien brothels, they could do without her.
• I liked how companions used to come and go in the middle of seasons.  It helped keep me on my toes (not that I was watching these as they came out in 1964, but you know what I mean).
• An episode of the spinoff Sarah Jane Adventures mentions that by the year 2010, Ian and Barbara have married each other, become professors, and live and Cambridge.  Also they are rumored to have not aged since the 60s, and I'm really not sure what that is all about.
• But now, on to the episode:
• doo doo doo, DOOOO do-do!  (I love this music)
• Vicki whines that she shall miss Ian and Barbara
• The Doctor agrees, and reminisces about how Susan left also.  It's all quite sad, really.  I love how the Doctor always ends up sad and alone.  Angst is the best.  Also Hartnell is a phenomenal actor who manages to portray sad without screwing up his face and crying like Tennant.
• Vicki is good at comforting him though.  They're really cute together, and they have much better chemistry than the Doctor and Susan had onscreen.
• OMFG A NOISE IN THE LIVING QUARTERS! 
• The Doctor and Vicki think it's a Dalek.
• But WAIT!  It's actually Steven!  I never expected this!
• The Doctor is not super pleased, especially after Steven starts calling him "Doc"
• Pretty much every incarnation of the Doctor hates being called Doc.
• A conversation about the TARDIS being bigger on the inside.
• After Steven bugs him him incessantly, the Doctor gives him an irritated introduciton to the TARDIS:
• "That is the dematerializing control. And that, over yonder, is the horizontal hold. Up there is the scanner, those are the doors, that is a chair with a panda on it. Sheer poetry, dear boy! Now please stop bothering me."
• Steven doesn't believe the TARDIS can travel in time and is very slow to accept that they are in 10th century England.
• Steven and Vicki make for a pretty cute brother-sister pair.
• Steven rags on the Doctor about how the TARDIS looks like a phone-box.
• Steven discovers an artifact that the Doctor tells him must be a space helmet for a cow.
• The Doctor tells Vicki and Steven not to wander off.  
• Vicki and Steven wander off.
• Vicki and Steven get lost.
• A dweeb in a hat watches from the bushes and then emerges to fondle the TARDIS.
• Apparently William Hartnell threw a temper tantrum during filming off this story after a techie misplaced his hat.
• Steven finds a modern-day watch on a local, adding to his incredulity about time travel. Something spooky is going on here.
• The Doctor meets up with a rather intelligent local. 
• Some monks chant in a monastery, but their chanting sounds suspicious.
• The Doctor discovers an extremely anachronistic gramophone just before the Meddling Monk locks him in a cage and cackles maniacally. 
• Hey, it could be worse.
• In the opening of the second segment, the Meddling Monk serves the Doctor tea and eggs. The Doctor is grumpy.
• The Doctor will spend this entire segment locked up since Hartnell was on vacation AGAIN.
• Some sexy mountain men arrive to harass Steven and Vicki.
• Steven and Vicki are dragged before Gimli.
• The Meddling Monk looks pretty good in his hood and pretty stupid without it.
• Some subplot involving grumpy locals that I don't understand.
• I can't wait for the Doctor to tweak out at the Meddling Monk.
• Steven and Vicki go to the monastery searching for the Doctor.  The Meddling Monk answers the door and puckers up for a kiss from Steven. 
• The Monk tells Steven and Vicki that he hasn't seen the Doctor.  And he's not at all suspicious while he does it.
• For some reason, Steven doesn't buy his story.
• Steven and Vicki sneak in, discovering a host of anachronistic kitchen appliances. 
• While the Monk is distracted by a viking invasion, Steven and Vicki discover the Doctor's cell.  However, the Doctor is missing, and only his cloak remains.
• This is all a little dull actually.  Hoping for a Time Lord fistfight sometime soon, but we;re halfway through and the Doctor and the Monk haven't really even spoken yet.
• Steven finally starts to believe that they have time traveled.  He is quicker than Vicki to realize that the Monk must also be a time traveler. 
• The Monk gives penicillin to a wounded viking.
• The Monk keeps a historical flowchart, and checks off events as they happen.  He seems to be trying to manipulate history.  Or maybe MEDDLE with history, eh?
• The Doctor returns to the monastery and uses an extremely clever ruse to make the Meddling Monk think he has a gun pressed to his back.
• Yes, that is a stick.
• Vicki and Steven notes that the tide has come in and drowned the TARDIS.  It makes me wonder what would happen if they opened the doors underwater.  Could you drain an ocean?  Or what the water be kept out just like air is kept inside while in the vacuum of space.
• Vicki and Steven find a Gatling gun on the beach shore.  It appears that the Monk was planning to be a huge dick.
• The Monk discovers the Doctor's ruse.  The Doctor continues to threaten him with the stick.
• A grumpy argument ensues. The Doctor makes a terrible pun about "Monk-ying around"
• Incidentally: don't fuck with the Doctor.
• Some vikings bust down the door and lock up the Doctor. The plan to take over the monastery and use it as a base.
• The Meddling Monk bitchslaps a viking with a two-by-four.
• The Doctor bitchslaps a different viking with a different two-by-four.  NOW we're talking!
• The Monk escapes to the village and encounters a fat shirtless man.
• Steven and Vicki arrive at the Monastery and find a bunch of unconscious vikings and two-by-fours.
• The Doctor returns to confront the Monk.  This time he carries a sword.
• In the third segment cliffhanger, Vicki and Steven find a door in a Monk's pulpit.  The enter and find A MOTHERFUCKING TARDIS!
• I wish I were born in the 50s and could have been watching this stuff as it came out.  Think how shocking this moment must have been. Evidently, all of England was abuzz talking about this cliffhanger.
• The Monk's TARDIS has a function chameleon circuit, unlike the Doctor's.  Owned.
• The Monk reveals his plan: something about averting a viking invasion with a Gatling gun.
• Vicki and Steven find a journal in the Monk's TARDIS.  Apparently the Monk has been dicking around history for a long time.  Something about having sex with Leonardo da Vinci and collecting a lot of compound interest.  He also built Stonehenge. 
• The Doctor calls the Monk a "Time Meddler" with implied capital letters. Evidently, it's a thing.
• The Monk gloats about his functioning chameleon circuit. 
• They enter the TARDIS, and everyone has a party.
• The Monk's goal seems to be to accelerate history for the purpose of hilarity.  His endgame is to watch the original performance of Hamlet on television while sitting on a jetliner. I am not making this up.
• Some vikings storm the monastery and tie up everyone but the Monk, who escapes.
• Some discovery about the mutability of history. 
• By the way, I've been calling everyone vikings, but really a lot of them are actually Saxons.  I really don't care enough to try to tell the difference.
• The Doctor's ugly lady friend frees the Doctor and his companions.  The Monk is captured by vikings.
• Before leaving, the Doctor dicks over the Monk's TARDIS in a pretty hilarious way. 
• Ostensibly The Monk is stranded in the eleventh century.  I forget how he escapes, but I assume it involves a trashy blond girl fondling things she has no business fondling.
• All in all, the Doctor is pretty smug about how things turn out.
• Although when you think about it, the Monk is still free to meddle from his current time.  He just can't pull any compound interest tricks.
• Some special sexy end credits.
• And that's a wrap on series 2!

s02 e16: The Chase

In which the Daleks pursue the TARDIS through time and space and have a series of mindbogglingly hilarious misadventures.

Review: 
I really don't want to spoil anything before you read on, but suffice to say that this episode makes me feel very good.


Important Firsts:

• First time the Daleks recognize The Doctor
• First Dalek time travel
• First episode to take place partially in New York.
• First episode to reference the Dalek's aversion to stairs.
• First appearance of Steven
• LAST appearance of Ian and Barbara.

Musings:

• This episode was originally burned, but negatives were recovered in 1978.
• After a recap of the awesome cliffhanger, we get some really stupid-sounding elevator music as the TARDIS materializes.
• This is revealed to be a result of Vicki's terrible taste in music, and the Doctor gets pissed off.
• Vicki hovers over Ian, who reads a sci-fi book called "Monsters of Outer Space" he notes that it is "a bit far-fetched"  He shoos Vicki away because she is being annoying. 
• "I am a useless person!" declares Vicki.
• Then she basically drop-kicks an expensive china set and wreaks havoc.
• The Doctor fixes the Time and Space Visualizer and uses it to spy on Abe Lincoln, Queen Elizabeth the First, Shakespeare, and the Beatles.
• If this entire episode involves the Doctor and his companions essentially watching television, I will flip a shit.
• Although the Beatles part is pretty to fun, especially when Ian rocks out to "Ticket to Ride"
• Vicki is offended when Ian is surprised that she knows about The Beatles.  "I've been to their memorial theater!  Of course I have!  Only thing is--I didn't know they played classical music."
• The TARDIS lands on a desert planet.  The Doctor and Barbara go to sleep while Ian and Vicki wander off to get menaced by creepy sand tentacles.
• OH SHIT BARBARA SEES SOME DALEKS ON TV.
• The Daleks chant "Annihilate!" in addition to "Exterminate!"  
• It appears the Daleks have constructed a time machine and are pursuing the TARDIS across time and space.
• Vicki has been taking hits off the Doctor's pipe: "If you look at the sun through your fingers, you have twenty instead of ten!" she declares.
• "I have the directional instincts of a homing pidgeon," the Doctor declares as he and Barbara wander aimlessly and lost through the desert.
• Ian and Vicki find a trap door in the middle of the desert.  Inside, they are menaced by a giant octopus testicle.
• The Doctor casts a shadow on a vertical backdrop painted to look like a flat stretch of desert. 
• A sandstorm buries the TARDIS, and pretty much every other fucking thing on the planet, including one very pissed-off dalek.
• The second segment of the episode is titled "The Death of Time." This sounds suspiciously like the title of an RTD season finale.
• The Daleks have no trouble running on sand, even without stupid-looking backpacks.
• At least the Daleks are the only threat on this planet. 
• Oh wait.
• Oh double-wait.  The Daleks and the creepy fish-people get into a fight.  This goes about how you would expect.
• The fish people turn out to be pretty dumb.
• My second favorite Dalek catchphrase after "Exterminate" is definitely "I obey."
• The Daleks capture some fish people and force them to dig up the TARDIS.
• The Daleks fire upon the TARDIS in an attempt to destroy it.  Fail.
• The TARDIS crew tricks the Dalek guarding the TARDIS into a pit by playing a sort of perverted game of whack-a-mole.
• Reinforcements arrive, but the crew escapes in the TARDIS.
• The Daleks give chase in their own time machine. 
• Note to Doctor Who producers:  60s elevator music is not appropriate for a chase scene through time and space. 
• There is a mentally handicapped Dalek who is unable to perform simple arithmetic. I think this is supposed to be comic relief or something.
• The TARDIS lands in New York.  This is the first time an episode takes place in the US. Incidentally, the only other episode to take place in New York also involves the Daleks. 
• People talk with terrible fake New York accents.
• Ooh, the TARDIS materializes in the top of the Empire State Building.  
• "You're from Earth!" Barbara exclaims to the first tourist she meets. "No ma'am, I'm from Alabama," he replies with a brilliant southern drawl.
• "I just bet you folks are from Hollywood! I bet you be making some sort of movie-picture!" exclaims the southerner. 
• The TARDIS crew flees his stupidity by dematerializing.  Moments later, the Dalek time machine appears.
• The Dalek and the excitable southerner have an epic showdown.  Ironically, the southerner emerges victorious using his formidable powers of stupidity. 
• Actually, the southerner in played by Peter Purves, who also plays the next companion, Steven. 
• Next stop: some sort of boat, where Barbara has a Titanic moment.
• Attempting to bash in the head of an unruly sailor, Vicki clobbers the hell out of Ian with a lead pipe.  This means that Ian has now been knocked out as many times by his own companions as by his enemies.
• The TARDIS crew dematerializes, once again only moments before the Daleks appear.
• The sailors do not take too kindly to the new "stowaway" and treat it accordingly.
• This is rapidly becoming my favorite segment of any episode in history.  Basically it involves the Daleks bumbling through history and getting their asses punked by locals.
• No but actually the sailors get punked also.  They all end up in the water fleeing the Daleks. 
• HAHA ON SNAP!  Turns out the boat was actually the Marie Celeste!  Next time there is an unexplained plane crash, I am going to put forth a Dalek theory to compete with the various Canadian goose explanations.  I assume Daleks were also responsible for the lost colony of Roanoke.
• Next stop is some sort of ancient European temple. Ian notices some stairs and gets excited, assuming (correctly), that the Daleks will have a bitch of a time dealing with them.
• The Doctor and Ian head to the creepy basement, where they encounter a historically accurate Frankenstein's Monster. 
• Vicki and Barbara have a similar run-in with a dopey version of Count Dracula.
• "I think there might be something strange going on here," observes Barbara.  Oh really?
• The Doctor posits that they have landed inside their own minds. Some sort of nightmare. Trippy shit.
• Ian rejoices, since obviously the Daleks can't follow them into their own heads.
• I REALLY hope he's wrong, since a Dalek vs. Dracula fight would tip this over the edge to "greatest episode ever" status.
• YES THE DALEK TIME MACHINE APPEARS! 
• The Doctor and Ian take refuge in Frankenstein's chamber.
• They are cornered. 
• Ian throws a switch and....
• OH MY GOD DALEK VS FRANKENSTEIN.
• FRANKENSTEIN IS IMMUNE TO DALEK WEAPONRY
• HOLY SHIT NOW HERE COMES DRACULA.
• FRANKENSTEIN CURBSTOMPS A DALEK
• COUNT DRACULA EATS THEM WITH BATS!
• EVERYTHING GOES HORRIBLY AWESOME!
• FUCKING YES THIS IS THE GREATEST EPISODE EVER!!!
• In the hilarious confusion, the Doctor takes off without Vicki, leaving her in the middle of the biggest clusterfuck in Doctor Who history.
• Vicki sneaks in to the Dalek time machine just as it takes off.
• The Daleks make a robot clone of the Doctor, because this episode needed to be even more awesome. I hope the Doctor and his clone end up smacking the hell out of each other with their walking sticks.  Normally I would be joking about this, but so far this episode has delivered on all my hopes and then some.
• This time, the TARDIS lands on some jungle planet.  Ten bucks says the plants come alive and attack the crew.
• Twenty bucks says the plants fight the Daleks.
• Well, that's ten bucks for me already.
• A mushroom swallows Vicki. Yum.
• The Daleks arrive and start shooting the shit out of jungle flora.
• Incidentally, you can see a BBC camera in the upper right of the screencap above.
• Robot Doctor begins stalking Barbara and Ian.
• Barbara gets separated and runs into Robot Doctor who tells her than Ian is dead.  She cries, since this throws a monkey wrench into her plan to get laid.
• Robot Doctor goes apeshit and starts bashing Barbara with his cane.  Ian arrives just in time to rescue her.
• Both Doctors arrive and Ian grapples with one.
• Just as Ian is about to bash its head in with a rock, the other Doctor tells "Susan" to avert her eyes.
• This reveals the impostor to everyone since the Daleks did not know that Susan had been replaced by Vicki.
• OH SHIT FTW!
• The crew finds a somewhat impractical local city.
• The Doctor pretends to be the robot double, but the Daleks don't buy it.
• as they flee, the crew encounters some sort of giant robot sphere thing called a Mechanoid that has a voice even more warbly than the Daleks.  I sense another fight coming on.
• Wow it really sucks that Terry Nation died.  Now BBC needs to pay his estate trillions of dollars every time they churn out a terrible Dalek episode.  But he really wrote some good ones back in the day. 
• The Mechanoids are too fat to pass each other in hallways.  This leads to some awkward moments.
• A random human dude appears and identifies himself as Steven Taylor.  He's sort of a handsome strapping dude with a beard.
• He appears to be stranded alone on the mechanoid-fungus planet.
• It's cute that Ian, Barbara, and Steven get to share one adventure together before Ian and Barbara leave the crew.  Usually it's out with the old before in with the new.  Imagine if Amy Pond had overlapped with Donna Noble for one episode.  Donna would have drop-kicked Amy's annoying ass back to the seventeenth century.
• The Daleks bust down a door, and an all-out bitch-fest ensues between the Daleks and the Mechanoids.
• This goes extremely poorly for the Daleks, especially since the Doctor leaves a random bomb lying around.  Also the mechanoids have flamethrowers.
• "AM EXTERMINATED! AM EXTERMINATED! AM EXTERMINATED!" a Dalek screams after its ass gets blown up.
• The building catches on fire and Steven freaks out and runs back inside to grab a stuffed panda-bear. I am not making this up.
• The Mechanoids are also getting punked.  Really everything is going poorly for everyone.  
• Some pretty awesome pyrotechnics and special effects as pretty much everything on the planet blows up.
• All the Daleks are slain. The TARDIS crew recovers the Dalek time machine.
• Ian and Barbara realize they can use the Dalek time machine to get home since it doens't suck ass like the TARDIS. 
• The Doctor flips a shit, pretending to be cranky. But really he is secretly just sad that Ian and Barbara are leaving. Awwwww.
• Everyone parts ways, not exactly on the happiest of terms.  Sad day.
• Ian and Barbara arrive home!
• This give Ian and Barbara time to consummate their relationship. 
• A montage of Ian and Barbara dicking around London.
• The Doctor watches them on the time and space visualizer.  He is very sad :-(
• And here's the video.
• The TARDIS drifts through space, lonely. 
• Last we saw Steven, it appeared he died in a fire.  We know better, though :-)
• Well, that was fucking phenomenal.  Next episode is also pretty important to the Doctor Who cannon--we get to see a Time Lord other than the Doctor or Susan. 
• Said Time Lord does turn out to be a huge ween, however.

DC Interlude: Green Lantern

In which Traz has downloaded a shitty cam of the Green Lantern and has spent enough time drinking at the Whole Foods this afternoon to think it is a good idea to watch it.

Review:  Haven't seen it yet, but with expectations this low, how can the movie not exceed them, right?

Musings:

• Damn it.

s02 e15: The Space Museum

In which the TARDIS crew stumbles across an alien version of the Louvre and basically destroy it in every way possible.

Review:
Some Timey-Wimey shit, a bloody revolution, an awesome hiding place for the Doctor, and the single greatest cliffhanger in Classic Who history. Hell yeah!

Important Firsts:

• First bona-fide technobabble. 
• First Timey-Wimey.....ness

Musings:

• Wait a minute. Science fiction in a science fiction series.  Never thought I'd see the day.
• I hate historicals. 
• When the crew materializes, they are wearing their normal clothes instead of the Crusade clothes they took off in.  This creeps out the humans, but the Doctor dismisses it.
• Whoah the TARDIS has some sort of Star Trek style replicator.
• On snap--Vicki drops a glass and shatters it but then time rewinds and the glass reforms.
• No one else believes her, because obviously that kind of bizarre sci-fi shit is impossible.
• Upon leaving the TARDIS, the Doctor suggests that they stick together. Who woulda thought?
• You will probably be surprised to hear this, but it turns out that the crew is in some sort of space museum.
• The crew discovers a Dalek in the museum.  Vicki knows about the Daleks, having read about their invasion of Earth 300 years in her past in history books. She is surprised by what they look like though, saying that they are nothing like what she imagined from the descriptions.  Interesting that history book would not include PICTURES of the aliens that once took over the earth.
• The crew is not leaving footprints, despite a large amount of dust on the floor.
• Some other people in the museum, but none of them are able to see or hear the crew.  Spooky.
• The TARDIS appears in the museum.  But when they try, they can't actually touch it.  The Doctor posits that they might not actually be in the museum at all.
• Then, the crew discovers a very spooky exhibit. 
• The Doctor babbles about "jumping a time track" and ending up in "some sort of fourth dimension."  It's the beginning of techno-babble. 
• "All we have to do is wait here until we arrive!" exclaims the Doctor.
• There's something going on here, but it makes very little sense.  Still, I'm a sucker for this sort of thing.
• The exhibits fade, and some footprints appear outside where the travelers had been walking.
• "We've arrived!" exclaims the Doctor.
• Some museum curators act like wankers.  They've apparently been here for thousands of years and are getting bored.
• All the local dudes have funny eyebrows like vulcans.  I really dislike the idea of having my eyebrows shaved and then new ones glued to my face.
• Ian picks up a broken ray gun and makes "pew pew" noises.
• "Doctor, why do you always show the greatest interest in the least important things?" --Ian
• Some museum curators come and the Doctor hides in the greatest place ever.
• He also imitates the Dalek voice from the inside as he thrusts to plunger arm in and out.
• Oh dear, one of the curators is a skeezo.
• Another one has a bad run-in with a hairdryer.
• Ug look at all that hair he had to have glued to his forhead.
• The doctor fools a curator into thinking that he is actually a walrus.  I am not making this up. Telepathy is involved.
• This backfires when the curator decides he wants a walrus in a display case.
• The Doctor spends the whole third segment as a museum exhibit since Hartnell was having trouble with his dentures.
• Today I met a man who was wearing a ring that he bought 19 years ago specifically because it looked like the ring the First Doctor used to wear.  He was an odd man.
• They've definitely hired a better fight choreographer recently. The fights are actually a bit exciting and look like more than just people aggressively stroking each other.
• The curators decide to set the museum on fire in order to smoke out Barbara.  In real life, I think this would be considered an excessive way to deal with an intruder.
• Vicki decides to arm a bunch of rebels with guns in order to avert the future wherein the TARDIS crew become a museum exhibit. Or maybe she just likes carnage. 
• The weapons vault is locked with some sort of bizarre lie detector test that asks strangely probing personal questions.
• Vicki bypasses the elaborate security system by loosening a thumb screw.
• After being revived from some sort of cryo-freeze chamber, the doctor claims that being reduced to a couple degrees above absolute zero temperature has aggravated his rheumatism. 
• This means that he is a little ticked off.
• The crew reunites by all getting captured.  They should try this more often.
• Ian curbstomps the shit out of the machine that turns people into museum exhibits.  The Doctor doesn't believe that this will change the future.
• The revolution gets super bloody.  I hope Vicki is happy.
• The rayguns have some reasonably good special effects.
• The crew is rescued after all the jackass curators are brutally slaughtered.
• The Doctor then decides that their futures are reasonably safe.  They won't end up as walrusses in display cases.
• The Doctor liberates a "Time and Space Visualizer" from the museum, which allows him to view any point in time and space like a badass crystal ball.
• Hooray.
• Fade to black.
• OH SHIT THE DALEKS HAVE A CAMEO AT THE VERY END WHERE THEY ARE TRACKING THE TARDIS AND PREPARING TO EXTERMINATE.
• They also call the Doctor and his crew their "greatest enemies," marking the first time the Daleks recognize the Doctor.  Would have put this in the "Firsts" section, but didn't want to spoil the ending for anybody.
• Oh wait.
• Best cliffhanger ever, though.

s02 e14: The Crusade

In which some Arabs and some Christians get really pissed off at one another and the TARDIS crew gets caught in the middle.

Review: 

Honestly, I'm getting pretty tired of stories in which much of the plot revolves around Barbara being abducted as a sex slave.

• 
  
• Whoah.  For some reason this copy beings with a segment wherein 85 year-old William Russel (aka Ian Chesterton) recalls the event of the episode IN CHARACTER.  It's actually incredibly cute.
• Now for the real episode.
• Oooh, 12th-century Palestine!
• I hate historicals.
• No sound effect on the TARDIS materializing.  This happens a lot in early episodes.  Only dematerialization is consistent. 
• Oooh.  I like when they have establishing shot showing people in trouble before the Doctor arrive.  Although I sure as hell can't tell what the heck they're talking about.
• Some evil-looking Arabs stalk some Christians.
• An Arab attacks Ian, but the Doctor distracts him by being a doddering old man.
• Barbara is hogtied by Christians. 
• Everyone is separated at 1:23.  New record?
• Two of these four segments are lost.  Originally, all four were lost, but the third segment had been backed up in the BBC film library.  The first episode was later found in the private colleciton of a New Zealand film collector in 1999, making it (I think) the second most recent Doctor Who segments to be recovered.  
• By the way, if any of you happen to have copies of lost Doctor Who episodes, you get a full-sized Dalek model for their safe return.  Check your parents' home videos.  Maybe an episode of Doctor Who is playing in the background.  No sound is necessary to win the Dalek, since soundtracks already exist.
• By the way, the film collector who had the missing segment 4 once pretended to be the Sultan of a fabricated nation called the Utopian Sultanate State of Oecussi-Ambendo.
• Apparently the President of Zimbabwe is suspected to own copies of some missing episodes, but he refuses to give them up.  If there was ever a good reason to start a war, this is it. 
• If he's sitting on a copy of the fourth segment of "The Tenth Planet," then I'll fly over there and kick him in the nuts myself.
• Oh the episode is still playing.
• Ian swordfights with an Arab for some reason.  Of course, being a science teacher, he is a master swordsman.
• Barbara get abducted, as usual.
• It's actually the most well-choreographed and least awkward fight scene in the series thus far, though.
• The Doctor cons an Arab by pretending to be gay so that he can steal a bunch of clothing.  Or something.
• Hagrid arrives and is not pleased.
• Oh great.  Barbara gets sold as a concubine to some Arab king.  She is developing quite the track record.
• Barbara tells the Arab king about her recent adventures on an alien world ruled by insects, in Rome at the time of Emperor Nero and in England in the far future.  It's farely rare for the travelers to discuss previous adventures like this.
• He insists she entertain him with more stories, under penalty of death if he is not amused, a la Shahrazad.
• Vicki wears a stupid hat.
• There's an Arab named Luigi.
• Oh my God it's Wyett Earp.
• Luigi abducts Barbara.  Of course.
• Ian gets knighted because he swordfought so many Arabs.
• The Doctor comments that he hopes he gets knighted some day.
• Vicki scoffs "That'll be the day!"
• The joke's on her, since the Doctor gets knighted not once but twice in future episodes (Fifth and Tenth Doctors).
• Ooh, turns out that Hagrid is a NICE Arab.
• Vicki has to pretend to be a boy.  She doesn't like it. "Why can't I be a girl again!" she whines.
• The queen says to the Doctor "There's something new in you, yet something older than the sky itself."  
• Luigi discovers Vicki's ruse.  "A girl? Dressed as a boy??? Is nothing understandable these days?"
• Vicki worries that she is becoming trouble for the Doctor and that he might leave her behind. 
• The Doctor comforts her.
• aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!
• Hagrid tells a really sad story about his children and wife being killed.  Unfortunately I can't take him seriously since his accent is basically that of Apu from the Simpsons.
• Also, he looks like Hagrid. 
• 20 minutes of boring political intrigue.
• I hate historicals.
• Every once in a while, a date and a time flash on the screen in the third segment, making it obvious that it was recovered from someone's old home recording.
• Richard the Lionheart ants to marry his sister to an Arab.  She threatens to tattle on him to the Pope.  This goes over like a load of bricks. 
• In the end, the Doctor is to be executed, but as his last wish asks to step inside his blue box one last time.
• PUNKED!
• A lame update for a lame episode. Sorry. Fortunately, next episode is better than sex.

s02 e13: The Web Planet

In which there are some large insects and NOTHING HAPPENS.

Review: 

Check this out. Looks pretty exciting, doesn't it? Absolutely incorrect.

Important Firsts:

• First episode so boring that I just watched youtube videos most of the time while it played in the background. 

Musings:

• This episode was originally lost in the great 1970s purge, but it was recovered later when it turned out that some schmuck had sold a copy to Algeria. The Algerians had burned their copy, but some schmuck THERE had sold a copy to Nigeria.  Negatives were recovered in Nigeria in 1979.  
• Maybe that's why this episode is even more low-res than most. 
• Oh wait.  Apparently (and I am not making this up), in an attempt to make the rather shitty sets appear more alien, the director smeared Vaseline across the camera lens.
• The TARDIS is trapped in some sort of tractor beam and is yanked down to a planet.  
• I bet there are no webs here.
• Edit: wrong.
• The Doctor wears another stupid hat.
• Ian's pen vanishes for no reason
• there are weird echos
• There is a lot of barren landscape.
• What?
• And then who?
• NO FUCKING WAY.
• I have no words for what is going on here.
• Turns out the atmosphere on this planet is very thin.  The Doctor makes everyone wear special jackets to compensate.  It is rare that the series deals with this sort of thing.
• We learn that Vicki has acute hearing, hasn't heard of aspirin, and studied medicine, physics, and chemistry at the age of ten.  The future is a wacky place.
• Barbara still has the bracelet that Tubby gave her.  She sort of fondles it.  I don't like this.
• The Doctor takes Ian's belt.  Ian comments that his pants might not stay up.  "Well that's your affair, not mine," says the Doctor.
• The Doctor then melts Ian's belt in acid.
• The sets in this episode are incredibly lame.
• Ian gets trapped in a web.
• The TARDIS takes off on its own and strands the Doctor. This plot device would never be used again.
• PS Vicki was trapped inside.
• Everyone wanders around on blank landscape for a while.
• Barbara seems to be possessed by some sort of spooky-ghost
• oh wait maybe it's that guy.
• In case you didn't realize, he looks stupider in color.
• Oh, it's a "she"
• Everyone explores some barren landscape some more.
• How can an episode with such weird critters be so boring?
• The Doctor states that this planet is in the Isop galaxy.  This is later referenced as the home galaxy of the Face of Boe.
• Some more barren landscape.
• All the weird insect critters make and incredibly annoying beeping sound.  This continues for several hours.
• Ian and the Doctor are captured by giant ants.
• Who beep a lot.
• More barren landscape
• More being captured by annoying beeping insects.
• More walking
• More beeping
• More landscapes
• more beeping
• beeping
• beeping
• beeping
• I can't finish this.
• I wish the whole thing were more like this.

s02 e12 The Romans

In which the Doctor impersonate a famous lute player, and a fat man chases Barbara around Rome for several hours.

Review:

Not exactly bad, per se, but definitely one of the more stupid episodes of all time.

Important Firsts:

• First successful attempt at fisticuffs by the Doctor.
• First vigorous humping between Barbara and Ian. 

Musings:

• In a sort of opening cliffhanger, the TARDIS topples off a cliff.
• This is quickly ignored when the episode cuts to a month later, when the TARDIS crew has settled down to a quiet life of hedonism in ancient Rome.
• Vicki whines that they aren't having adventures as she was promised.  Viewers can sympathize, since watching Ian eat grapes for ten minutes is hardly good television.
• At the market, Vicki apparently shares Susan's obsession with fine fabrics and insisting that Barbara make her dresses.
• A cute old lyre player dodders down the road.
• AND IS BRUTALLY STABBED TO DEATH!
• The TARDIS crew shares a meal and talks about candied chestnuts and hibiscus honey and a lot of other shit.
• When the Doctor says she can come along on a trip to Rome, Vicki has one of the most adorable reactions in Doctor Who.  Check out this video and jump to 10:43.  Reaction comes at 10:53.  Play it over and over again and watch it get more and more absurd. 
• She acts like Paprika when I open a can of catfood.
• Barbara insists on combing Ian's hair so that it looks sexier. Ian pretends not to be pleased.
• I still find it hard to believe that the producers did not intend any sexual tension between these two.
• You can go to the video and jump to 12:03.
• The Tenth Doctor briefly references this adventure in "The Fires of Pompei"
• The Doctor discovers the dead lyre player and decides to impersonate him to discover who the stabber was.
• On a very related note, in the first segment cliffhanger, a stabber enters the Doctor's chamber. 
• The Doctor FISTICUFFS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.
• And who says only the Third Doctor knew karate!
• Wait why is RORY here?
• On a related note, Rory is a pimp. (Warning: Contains spoiler for "A Good Man Goes to War")
• Some stabbers interrupt Barbara and Ian.  Ian judos the shit out of them for a while, but then Barbara accidentally smashes a vase over his head, dooming both of them.
• Barbara is to be sold as a sex slave. Ian is put on a galley ship,
• The galley ship is actually a pretty impressive set piece. 
• Barbara gets purchased at the auction by Tubby-Tubby Two-By-Four
• A massive storm (with special effects that are still impressive by today's standards, probably because they use mass quantities of real water rather than CGI) strikes the galley ship.
• Ian is thrown overboard and dies.
• No actually he is recaptured and forced to fight Paprika in a gladiator pit.
• Check out the fact that that wiki article contains every appearance of a lion in Doctor Who.
• Turns out that Tubby is the Caesar
• He and the Doctor play dueling lyres.
• Tubby-Tubby chases Barbara for sex.  Fortunately, he is, well, tubby.
• This is like watching Wile E Coyote and Road Runner.
• The Doctor and Tubby-Tubby take off their clothes and become friends.
• Turns out the Doctor has some fairly impressive biceps.
• Vicki accidentally poisons Tubby-Tubby.
• The whole episode feels rather like a french farce.
• Attack of the Rorys
• The Doctor uses his brainy specs to set fire to Rome.
• To make a long story short, shit hits the fan and Rome burns to the ground.
• Ian and Barbara are flirting again.
• Oh my god what are they doing now?
• I have nothing else to say.

s02 e11 The Rescue

In which Susan is replaced by a marginally improved clone of herself, and Barbara murders the hell out of a poor little girl's dog.


Review:

Short and sweet, this somewhat spooky mystery gets some points for being interesting despite its short running time.

Important Firsts:

• First appearance of Vicki (aka Susan 2.0)

Musings:

• At only two segments, this may be the second shortest episode of Doctor Who ever. Only the standalone "Mission to the Unknown" is shorter.  It's about the same length as a new series episode--very slightly shorter.  Less time to tell a good story, but obviously it can be done. 
• I like episodes that begin by showing us some people in distress before the Doctor arrives. It really helps to establish the scene and adds to the impression of a the Doctor as a dude who swoops in to save the day rather than just a dude who runs in to trouble all the time.  Though the latter is also true.
• This episode marks the first new companion.  Role-wise, Vicki fills essentially the same niche as Susan: impetuous teenage damsel in distress. The Doctor even adopts her as a sort of surrogate granddaughter. Clearly they wanted the show's format to stay as similar as possible.
• In retrospect, they could have had Susan just regenerate (assuming she is a Time Lord and not merely Gallifreyen).  However, I am pretty glad they didn't
• Vicki and some random Old Dude are stuck on a planet waiting for a rescue ship.
• Vicki's voice is less annoying than Susan's.  She's also more smiley and easier on the eyes.
• Does anyone else think that Amy Pond is not actually that good looking?
• And what is UP with that shirt thing?
• No really, I'll take Vicki any day.
• OH WAIT SHE'S 16 YOU DIRTY PEDOPHILES!
• Vicki may also be marginally less stupid than Susan.
• Blip blip goes the radar, but it's not the rescue ship.
• I BET IT'S THE TARDIS
• Originally, the producers meant the TARDIS to actually change with every landing.  But because of budget reasons they had it get stuck as a 1963 police box.  Funny to think that the show would NEVER have become as iconic of the Chameleon Circuit actually worked.  Just think about Doctor Who without a blue police box...
• The Doctor sleeps through the landing, which he's never done before.
• "I feel a bit sticky.  I must go and have a wash" says the Doctor upon waking.  He never does have a wash. I like to imagine the Doctor smelling bad through this whole episode.  
• I'm not sure Hartnell has even read his lines this time.  I think he may be improvising.  Badly.
• The TARDIS is in a pretty spooky cave.  The TARDIS top light blinks on and off, providing the only source of illumination.
• The Doctor goes BACK INSIDE for another nap.  I wonder what's up?
• He's probably feeling bad about Susan.
• Ian and Barbara discuss how the Doctor may be going old and senile and feeble. The Doctor's head pops back out of the TARDIS doors, wide-eyed.  "Remember, I can hear everything you're saying." His head pops back in and the door slams.
• Ian and Barbara go exploring, and everything is pretty--HOLY BALLS!
• Ian and Barbara clutch each other.
• But it acts friendly...
• ...Until it shoves Barbara off a cliff.  
• Now dubbed: Freaky Alien. 
• Barbara is pinned to the ground by a MASSIVE log.
• Back in the TARDIS the Doctor jabbers to himself like a senile old man.
• Ian and the Doctor set out to look for Barbara
• Vicki fervently makes a bed when Freaky Alien pops in and admonishes her not to wander from the ship. He claims he is protecting her from the rest of his people.
• Freaky Alien goes in the back to talk to Old Dude.  It is revealed that Vicki has hidden Barbara under the bed.
• Vicki relates the story of how her ship crashed, killing her whole family and leaving only her and Old Dude alive.
• She manages to cry without shrieking.  I never thought I would see the day....
• Maureen O'Brien is a better actress than Carole Ann Ford, not that Ford was given much to work with....
• Ian and the Doctor trek through a cave.  As usual, everything is going fine until IT SUDDENLY DOESN'T.
• Some ridiculous trap involving razor blades pushing Ian slowly toward the monstrosity in the pit.
• He escapes by stepping around them.  Um.
• Vicki goes outside and then appears to be menaced by the same cave creature.
• Barbara freaks out and shoots it to death with a flare gun.
• OH WAIT IT TURNS OUT THE CAVE MONSTER WAS VICKI'S BELOVED PET.
• It's name was "Sandy"
• Sandy wails and cries as he dies a slow, agonizing death.
• A confrontation ensues. 
• The Doctor arrives just in time to comfort Vicki.  Though he does this mostly by dismissing her sadness and saying that she looks "a bit of a mess" Somehow this works.
• Actually, now that I watch it, the Doctor and Vicki are pretty adorable together.
• The Doctor gets upset when Old Man won't open the door.
• SO HE BLUDGEONS THE DOOR DOWN WITH A GIRDER. 
• Inside, he finds a spookyhole
• Down the spookyhole, he confronts Freaky Alien.
• OH SHIT A PLOT TWIST.
• Turns out Freaky Alien was Old Man all along.
• The Doctor had worked it out a while ago.  In fact he comes across as an awesome baddass in this scene...
• ...until he engages in some rather unsuccessful fisticuffs.
• The Doctor tries (and fails) to attack Old Man Freaky Alien with a rock, a stick, a chair, and (I shit you not) a pillow.
• Some extremely random men arrive to save the day.
• um. 
• The Doctor invites Vicki along to be his new granddaughter. It's actually a pretty touching scene.
• Then, he forces her to wear an ugly black wig and performs surgery to give her a second heart.
• Not really.
• Vicki enters the TARDIS...
• "But it's HUGE! And, the outside is just..."
• ...And she trails off. No "bigger on the inside!"

Marvel Interlude: Thor

So despite the fact that the next episode of Doctor who involves Barbara brutally murdering some poor little girl's dog with a flare gun, I'm actually not in the mood for Doctor Who at the moment after fighting with the image links a lot today.  I promise I'll get back on track tomorrow in order to document Barbara's brutality.

Instead, tonight I will be watching Thor, which is sort of like Doctor Who except they replaced the sonic screwdriver with a magic hammer and instead of using a TARDIS the main character just sort of flies around a whole lot.

Obviously, this will contain spoilers (albeit extremely incoherent ones), so if you haven't seen the movie yet, consider yourself warned.

Synopsis:
Um....Thor beats the crap out of some people? I dunno--unlike every episode of Doctor Who, I haven't seen this yet.

Review:

I think the Musings below say it all.

Musings:

• I'm watching a decent quality cam in that nobody's turban is in the way and I haven't yet gotten a "cease and desist" order from Verizon for downloading it.  Nevertheless, it's still a cam.  
• Wait why does a video of Fallout Boy come up over that link?
• Whatever.
• Okay, here we go.  Hoo boy.
• Oh god hold on. I need a drink to fully appreciate this.
• Mmm, also found some food in the fridge that my roommates cooked me.  It's really nice have three big sisters all of the sudden. 
• I call this "Thor's Lightning" (it's a vodka-pineapple).
• Okay, hitting "play"
• New Mexico.  Hookay.
• Some ladies arguing about atmospheric disturbances.
• AND OH SHIT IT'S THE HAMMER OF THOR.
• One of them decides it is a good idea to drive the van towards the massive explosion.
• "I AM NOT DYING FOR SIX COLLEGE CREDITS" shrieks one girl, now dubbed "College Chick".
• Other one will be "Younger Sister"
• Wait how do you get fucking six credits for one class? At Olin we got like four.
• An annoying voiceover about Gods and Frost Giants and Shit.
• I don't like this movie.
• Okay hell.  This is three hours later since the last bullet because one of my sisters was having trouble with her crazy family and now I'm several more drinks in and I don't know where my cat is.  The rest of this movie is going to be pretty fucking interesting. 
• I think Paprika got out on the roof.
• Apparently Odin is a baddass?  I really don't understand this anymore.
• Either these action sequences are really poorly edditted or I am really drunk.  Maybe both.  I don't know what is going on.
• Okay yeah Asgard really does look like Gallifrey.
• Young Thor is a a huge ween.
•  Just gonna be honest here. The actual Hammer of Thor prop looks really dumb. Shouldn't it have like fancy runes or something?  It's super plain.
• Wait did I spell "plane" right?
• Oh my God Thor looks dumb in that cape.
• I don't like this movie.
• Ian and Barbara REALLY need to bone.
• OH SHIT I JUST SAW GIMLI!
• This movie is shit.
• Frost giants attack Asgard.
• Shit hits the fizzle.
• Chris Fitzhugh just messaged me on OKcupid
• OK what is going on now?
• This is actually one of the most incoherent movies I've ever seen.
• Shit I wish I had more cheese.
• Odin tells Thor that he's kind of lame, and Thor flips the SHIT out of a table.
• "Madness? This is SPARTA!"
• Oh shit Paprika is on the roof.
• Um.
• OH GOD THERE'S A LADY IN THIS MOVIE.
• She's like some fierce Asgard warrior.  Xena, maybe?
• I have decided this movie will not be good until Thor hooks up with those college chicks, because so far all this shit in Gallifrey in really dumb.  Maybe the real world will be better.
• I take it back--I really DONT want a God and a mortal to hook up.
• What the FUCK is going on?
• I think I maybe just saw Paprika out the window.  Should I be concerned?
• So actually Loki is waaaaaaay cooler than Thor.  I hope he wins.
• No seriously Loki is super chill and Thor is a huge ween.
• They confront some frost giant king, and Loki gives some good advice which Thor ignores.
• OH MY GOD THOR JUST SMACKED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT GUY WITH HIS HAMMER
• These action sequences are SO poorly eddited I hame NO idea what the fuck is going on
• Xena gets her ass kicked
• GIMILI KICKS SOME ASS
• Loki pulls some cool trickster shit
• But his hand gets frozen or somethign and now he's pissed
• Oh I think Thor just killed some 15 frost giants with one hammer throw
• Thor just made some sort of massive lighting earthquake wave that killed EVERYTHING
• How is this guys supposed to end up on the same team as Captain America, a dude who is just sort of marginally strong and fast?
• Apparently Thor just started some really big war.
• Wow Thor is a huge asshole, and Loki is pretty chill.
• Thor just called Odin "an old man and a fool"
• Dumb bitch.
• Odin just curb-stomped the SHIT out of Thor!
• Now he's like cast down to earth
• Where hopefully he will not make out with some college chicks.
• Are we seriously like a quarter of the way through this movie?  All that has happenned is some poorly edited action sequences.
• I am eating like three pounds of cinnamon toast crunch right now.
• It's is 2:20 AM.
• Ok College Chick and Younger Sister just ran over Thor with a van.
• Whoah SHIT THEY DIG EACH OTHER
• THor is shrieking about hammers, and College Chick think he's drunk
• OH MY GOD YOUNGER SISTER JUST TAZERED THOR@!
• THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!
• OKay Younger Sister is pretty awesome
• THor beats the SHIT out of a bunch of ER doctors
• Someone tranks him
• I hope my cat is all right
• Now they're talking about wormholes
• Wow College Chick runs Thor over AGAIN.
• Some hillbillies try to lift the hammer of Thor and fail.
• Oh Jesus it's agent whatshisname from SHIELD.  Agent Jackass, maybe?
• THOR GETS NAKED
• College Chick thinks he is "pretty cut"
• This will not end well
• OH SHIT WE'RE BACK ON GALLIFREY
• Where is the Doctor?
• Guys let's be honest: David Tennant sucked.
• Wow okay Loki is the best villian in any Marvel movie because he has like complex motivations.  He thinks Thor is an arrogant fool who is unfit to rule, WHICH IT TURNS OUT IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
• Thor smashes a coffee mug, much to the chagrin of a breakfast waitress
• OH SHIT HE KISSES COLLEGE CHICK ON HER HAND!
• Oh shit she's eyeing him like the twilight girl 
• Jesus I hate this movie
• Agent Jackass with SHIELD is kind of a tool
• he steals College Chick's truck.
• Younger Sister is mad that her Ipod was in the truck
• OH SHIT THE WEIRD OLD MAN KNOWS BRUCE BANNER AKA THE HULK
• Back on Gallifery, Gimli is pissed off.
• Thor goes in to a pet shop and demands a horse
• The pet shop owner is not pleased
• OH SHIT THOR IS FLIRTING WITH THIS CHICK
• Man this is kind of like when random women try to get it on with a 900 year-old Time Lord
• OH My god I think Thor is about to kill the fuck out of some SHIELD agents
• Long story short: he does
• This is actually a little tedious.
• NO.
• OH MY GOD NO.
• NO FUCKING WAY
• THERE IS A DUDE WITH A BOW
• A BOW.
• I THINK.
• I THINK IT MIGHT BE HAWKEYE
• OH MY GOD
• OH
• OH MY GOD
• THIS IS A GREATEST MOVIE EVER
• AND I JUST GOT SO MUCH MORE EXCITED FOR THE AVENGERS MOVIE.
• HAWKEYE
• NO FUCKING WAY
• HAWKEYE
• OH MY GOD IT IS HIM!
• Thor mud wrestles with some dude dude
• Oh SHIT Thor can't lift the hammer of Thor :-(
• I may be inebriated.
• HAWKEYE!
• Okay let me back up and explain Hawkeye.
• Basically, he is like the Green Arrow, except PURPLE.
• So basically, he is the greatest thing ever
• Loki wears an argyle sweater in the real world
• It's 3 AM and I really want to go to bed
• Oh wow Thor gets crunk at a bar
• if Hawkeye doesn't come back I will start to hate this movie again.
• OK this is dumb I haven't seen Hawkeye in 15 minutes and I am tired as hell.
• I'm going to bed see you alls in the morning.
• Morning now.  Can't remember what happened in the movie so far.  Oh wait: absolutely nothing.
• Thor still drinking in a bar with the old dude
• Old dude gets wasted way faster owing to the fact that he is not the God of Thunder.
• College Chick is pretty awkward around Thor
• Oh dear now they're romancing around a campfire
• This is awful
• Some tripe about how in Asgard, magic and science are one in the same thing.
• Oh no now College Chick is getting giggly
• Back to Asgard:  Gimli is a fatass.  He seems to be eating and entire wild boar with his hands.
• Thor's friends decide to go find him
• Agent Jackass of SHIELD is on the move
• College Chick and Thor cook breakfast together. This will end in tears
• Loki summons a fucknormous robot.
• Lots of people are staring at Gimli in the real world.
• PS: Thor's other friends appear to be Xena, Jackie Chan, and Robin Hood.
• Loki kills the nice gatekeeper man
• Now it's like Agent Jackass versus a giant fucking Loki robot
• They think maybe it's an iron man robot
• Nope, it's killing them all
• Thor and College Chick evacuate the town while Gimli, Jackie Chan, Xena, and Robin Hood go fight the robot.
• (Thor doesn't have his powers because he fucked up)
• Gimli gets curbstomped
• Xena jumps off a building and stabs the shit out of the robot
• It comes back and basically blows up an entire city
• Thor tries to convince Xena not to get her ass killed.
• Man for a movie about Thor, he is spending and awful lot of time without his powers.
• Thor goes to confront the robot powerless. This seems a onesided match
• REALLY sappy music plays for some reason during this fight scene
• Stuff blows up in slow motion
• Thor appeals to Loki's sense of morals and offers up his life in exchange for the humans
• Robot curbstomps Thor
• College Chick runs in slow motion towards him
• oh no now Thor is dying and College Chick is crying
• If they kiss I will vomit
• Oh fortunately Thor dies first
• except now she's REALLY crying
• I loathe this film. Where did Hawkeye go?
• OH SHIT THE HAMMER TAKES OFF
• ITS FLYING TOWARDS DEAD THOR
• OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
• OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
• okay I think he's the God of Thunder again
•  Um okay this fight scene actually sort of doesn't suck
• Thor makes a giant tornado by swinging his hammer around.
• There's basically some sort of nuclear explosion, but somehow the people survive
• Oh no now College Chick is even MORE attracted to him
• Agent Jackass arrives!!!
• Thor offers an alliance if Agent Jackass returns Younger Sister's iPod
• Agent Jackass is pleased
• Oh shit now College Chick and Thor are leaning in close.......
• Thank God he only kissed her hand
• OH WAIT HELL NO
• Great: let's make out with the immortal and infinitely old God of Thunder. Maybe if we're lucky a 900 year-old Time Lord will show up.
• DAMNIT
• Now Thor and Loki are reunited. It is not a happy reunion. 
• For some reason the Death Star is here.
• It seems to be blowing up Gallifrey
• Where did Hawkeye go?
• Loki flips a shit.  He is not happy that Thor made out with a lady.
• NOW THEY START KILLING EACH OTHER
• Loki casts Mirror Image
• Thor lightnings the shit out of all of them
• Thor sets of some sort of nuclear bomb.
• Loki gets sucked off in to some sort of distant galaxy
• The portal between Gallifrey and IRL is destroyed.  Thor and College Chick are stuck on opposite sides
• Sappy music plays
• College Chick is sad
• So is Thor
• Sappy music
• End credits
• I hate my life
• I wonder if the inevitable after-credit sequence will have HAWKEYE
• More likely it will involve Tony Stark being an alcoholic and Nick Fury being a bamf
• ho-kay here we go
• Old man wandering through a tunnel
• Nick Fury appears
• They converse awkwardly about nothing of consequence
• Oh Loki is sort of here too
• Wait. Where is my cat?